I never knew I could dread a day so much. Its not the fact that its probably going to be raining either, for Saturday of this week, (26th of September 2009) I will be scattering my fathers ashes.

For so long have I felt unworthy, down, depressed and felt like my life has been one of living in a bubble....A void, if you will. I don't remember before OR EVEN AFTER that day my father died. I remember the actual day like it was yesterday. The faint tint of blue on his skin, and yet 3 hours later, it was a bright pink colour, after they started his heart and put him on a ventilator.

For so long, after that day have I felt that I am not one with the world. I come to NG to relax, to escape from this so called reality in which is cruel. I feel now, that sometimes people are not wanted in this life. Unfortunately, someone wanted my father more than I did. I don't blame them....I sure find it okay, to kill a man just because he is needed elsewhere....To break someone's heart and put them under strain because they have loved someone and now they are gone.

Its awesome that the child of this man, now 3 years down the line, is feeling nothing about anything. Can not be bothered to do anything, and finds studying incredibly hard as the lack of motivation and the functionality to take in important information, decreases rapidly.

I really shouldn't be angry. However, I'm not angry at my father. He was a good man....He always did whats best for myself and my mother. He wants to be scattered at Lake Windermere so he can go fishing.

I personally have never known my father to be a fisher, nor have i ever been to this lake. However, he feels suffocated in this urn and if this is the only way to make him happy....Then I shall do it.

Its taken me a while to think about this. Myself being depressed for a while now, I have always thought that if I scatter the ashes, then maybe I will feel worse about myself, and maybe even do things in which I wouldn't even dream about doing.

Taking this all into account, I have thought about scattering the ashes.....I have realised that since my dogs ashes are with my fathers in the same urn (They are in separate bags....Don't be stupid) that i may as well scatter hers as well. She may as well be in peace with my father, since after all....She was his best friend and they loved each other more than i actually thought a man could love a dog.

I think she would make a nice fishing dog. A beautiful dog she was. Alsation cross Labrador. A cute thing, quite big though for a dog like herself. She was around 6ft when she stood on her back legs. I just want them both to be happy. To be one with each other again, and to be free.

Hopefully then....It will allow me to move on, and maybe get on with my life. Do my father proud, and make my dogs tail wag in happiness, and if I have to be hurt in the process....So be it!

I just want to be out of this void.....I want to feel happy again.

EDIT: Well....Its tomorrow. I can't say I'm looking forward to it....Yet i can't say I'm doing the right thing either. I would hope that after this is done, my life will stop being one big cluster fuck of nothingness and that I will actually feel normal once again.

What happens if I don't feel normal?....Nothing. I fail my GCSE's and have a shitty life. End of. I won't get the job I want, and I will lose close friends. I don't want to do that. I hope that tomorrow, once I let the lid off the urn.....Along with my fathers ashes being blown away and captured by the wind....So will my depression and sorrow.

I can only sit here and pray for that to happen.....But as I already know....Praying doesn't get you anywhere.

EDIT 2: Wow....That went well. The day was actually a very nice one. Just how my father would have wanted it. It was nice. The sun was out, the water wasn't too choppy and it seemed like the right time.

We hired a small boat, and I do mean small. It did the job. We found a nice spot next to an island in the middle of the lake and circled for a while. My auntie took over while me and my mother poured the contents of the urn into the water. It was strange....It was almost like gravel, it didn't seem like a body, but as the ashes slowly tipped into the water i then realised that this was the right thing to do.

Still circling for about 3 minutes, the ashes were gone. Both my father and my dog were now at peace with one another. Released into the water and released to be free. Now I feel that my father is happy. I hope that now....I will feel happy.

Then, because my father's favourite chocolate was Turkish delight, we pulled out a bar. Opened the wrapper and broke it into pieces. We then put it into the water. We probably shouldn't, but no-one was going to stop me from doing so.

I now hope that my father, my dog and my mother are now all at peace. Heh, my mum has been feeling like there has been a big weight on her shoulders because my father has been in the urn. Now he is free, I hope that she can sleep better.

I also hope that I can start to feel normal again. Like what I was before my father died. Even so....Now I know he is free and that he will be happy.

Rest in peace Dad.....Take care mate.