So it's that time of year again. I'd say that the snow starts to fall and everything becomes white... While that is true, in Britain, it only happens every few years. However we have some winds blowing our way to the North West. Therefore we are getting the worst of the snow, ice and overall crappy weather for travelling in.

That wouldn't be a problem..... If I didn't have to go and see someone.

Currently it's 5:30 am. December 22nd of 2009. I'm up at the moment due to my dog deciding to take a poop on my floor. The movement that I used to clear it up, has now made me unable to go back to sleep.

*Sigh*

So as Christmas quickly approaches, and I see that new year is too, I start doing what I always do.... Thinking about what I have done, and what I have actually achieved over the past year, taking into account everything and hopefully making for a better year NEXT year. Now let me tell you what usually happens.

Usually I sit here, as I am now near my computer, just thinking about what I have done. Thinking for a good 10 - 15 minutes about every day that has gone by, every event I have gone to and every person I have met, or even shook hands with. Then, once that has done.... I become depressed.

Why do I become depressed? Because I feel that if I can't achieve something, then I shouldn't be here. That is all well and good, and I'm right, if you can't be on this earth to achieve or even TRY and achieve, well really you don't have much going for you. It's not your fault.... You just don't. Then, once I'm in this state and the new year passes, I soon overcome myself and think that "This is a new year... I'm going to try and achieve something!"

That is EVERY YEAR!..... Apart from this year.

This year has been one of the toughest I have ever faced. I've been on this earth for just under 16 years now. I've had some really rough times, and some incredibly good times. However in both occasions... I wont forget them. Thinking about it, and looking back.... This year - As said before - Was one of the hardest I have ever had to face, looking past that year my father died, as that was a slight exception.

In this year, I have overcome fears I never even knew I had, overcome bridges I never even thought I would get the chance to cross and have learned so much along the way it's untrue. Yet, even though I am glad to see the arse end of this year.... It was one of the best times of my life.

I came into this year a young boy of 14. Never actually did anything, and who was contempt with himself. Only really socializing in school and on Instant messenging clients outside of school. I never actually went out with friends at all. I was happy to stay inside for house on end, just on my computer. Playing games, watching shows such as House, or The Simpsons. I personally couldn't see life past my computer screen. It sounds depressing I know, but it's true. While people would think that I was doing something effective or creative on the computer to pass the time.... I really wasn't.

I was sat there.... Just staring into a screen which was made of Liquid crystal, which allowed me to see into a world where no-one can touch. Where there are people who lie, cheat and steal and yet.... Is a place I grew up around and have met some of the most amazing people.

The first few months of this year were naturally hazy. I have something wrong, or I used to have something wrong with my head in which I was not able to create memories. Well I could.... I just didn't remember them. Once I was emotionally unstable once my father died, I developed some sort of amnesia. Not knowing what I actually did after my father died.... Even now. I can't remember the 3 years just gone.

However, over the course of the year, is started to feel strange mentally. I literally went into a state where I could no longer actually feel pain. Emotionally wearing a mask for school, smiling to make sure that every SEEMED okay. I didn't want anyone to worry about me, or actually do anything about it. I thought that these feelings would just pass on there own..... Until I broke down to a teacher at school.

She seemed to understand what I was going through, to a degree anyway. I explained to her about how I was feeling, my father and the stresses that unfortunately came with school life, plus my up coming exams. I enjoyed speaking to her.... But that was the only time I could do so. All the other times "She was to busy".

Once she said that.... I reverted back to my old self again.

After my 4 week trip to America with my mother to go and see my family, it just kind of got worse from there on. Myself spending most of my time INDOORS on my laptop, when I should have been outside at least making an effort to socialise. However, I put it down to the fact that the holiday was just too much of a long one. So when I eventually came home... I felt a bit better about myself and thought that it must have been just a little "Phase"

Then, as September creped up on us, you know... How it does.... I went back to school to finish my last year in high school. I'm still currently in it... I finish about may time. Anyway, as September creped up on me, I started to feel slowly worse. I felt like I wasn't in control of my head, and that because of this.... I was becoming down and depressed.

Now before you say it, I actually DID try and seek help. I asked my mother numerous times whether she could sort out some counselling for me, as I was thinking possibly the grief of my father just caught up with me..... However I never actually did get any counselling as she never rang the hospital.

I went to the doctors numerous times this year because I thought I was depressed. He said that I could be depressed, however couldn't actually prescribe any drugs because I wasn't old enough. the legal age being 18, and the side effects in children from the drugs being extremely painful and overall deadly.

Now I started to suffer in my school work. I thought that I was trying my best, continually trying and trying to succeed while my grades are slowly but surely slipping through my fingers, which was putting me even lower and lower in the ground.

I have to be honest with you.... I remember I wanting to end my life. Yes, just end it. Eat a bullet.... Jump from a bridge.... Run in front of a train.... But I was either too cowardly to leave it all behind, or I was too strong in the fact I KNEW that one day I would overcome this feeling I have.

Then.... It happened. Well, not just like that but let me explain!

I made a split second decision to go out with a few friends on a Friday night. I have no idea why I did this, I just kinda did. My mates said a few girls were coming out, which was brilliant news for me as.... Well... Like I said before, I wasn't a sociable person, so being around my friends was one thing.... but girls?!?!

I'd be speaking lightly if I was to say I was only a little scared.

Throughout the night... I became good friends with most of the girls. Not really knowing any of them, just a few first and last names... I broke the touch barrier on a few of the girls, lightly stroking their arms because they were cold. One girl became a friend of whom I will never forget. Me and her hit off straight away, having partially the same personality and liking the same things, I enjoyed being around her.

However, at the end of the night we all quickly exchanged numbers and went our separate ways.

Now over the course of November, I continued to go out with my friends and continued seeing the girls. I don't know how I felt. For one, i actually felt like I was a part of something.... Not alone in this world and that I wasn't destined to sit behind a computer for the rest of my life. Secondly, I actually began to develop feelings for one of the girls in the group. However... There was 5 boys, and 7 girls. I knew I had feelings for someone.... But these feelings were all knew to me. I didn't know what I was doing, nor did I realise that these feelings would be so strong.

The problem is.... I didn't know which girl I had them for.

Now, as time moved on I realised that the girl of whom was a close friend.... I wanted more than just to be friends with her. I wanted to spend a long time with her and be much closer.

Taking a few days to pick up the courage to ask her if she will go out with me.... I actually didn't even get that far, well I did... Just didn't say it. We kind of just kissed each other and decided that we were now an item. Our relationship has only gotten stronger from there and we are happy together.

Do you know what's strange.... I actually feel happy now. For the first time in over 3 years, I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm now a happy person, my worries have disappeared and I feel I am doing much better in my studies.

When I went out that Friday night.... It was one of the best decisions I have ever made. It led to something amazing and has changed my life forever.

Now you're probably thinking:

"But Lizz, what have you achieved?"

That's a good question young padawan and I shall answer you now.

Over the past year I have realised NEVER to give up. Even when times are hard. Even though I had suicidal thoughts, even though I felt like shit and woke up every morning wishing I wasn't there.... I realised that I could never do it as I would leave my mother behind. After losing my father... She would just crumble.

Mentally, I now feel stronger. While I still am immune to emotional things and can almost not cry through pure emotion, I feel that now that I have overcome this hurdle, the other ones I shall face later on in life will be just that bit easier.

Finally.... Well I have a female companion now. Someone to hold, someone to love and someone who I can spend most of my time with. I feel better because I know that someone actually does love me for who I am.

I am no longer that kid I used to be.

At the end of this year, I am a 15 year old. I am confident with myself, not really giving a crap about what anybody has to say about me. I'm more in control of myself and my life overall, maturing a hell of a lot over the past few months and I generally feel A LOT better.

I don't spend all my time in front of the computer any more. While I make some time for it each day, it's only for a few hours and even then..... I'm not just sat here clicking random links because I'm bored.

So yeah, this year has been one of the worse rides I have had since my father died, and yet.... I have gained so much from it it's unbelievable.

I'd just like to wish you all a very merry Christmas and I hope that, like myself you have achieved something over this past year and that 2010 is a brilliant year for you.

God bless you all, and thank you for reading.

It is now 6:48 and I'm off to bed. It took me an hour and 45 minutes to write all that out. Haha.

Updated: 12/23/09 9:37 AM 1 comment | Log in to comment! | Share this!

I just wanted to get rid of that other news post from the front of my profile. So I thought I would make this one.

This song was introduced to me by KrevZabijak. Little did I know sooner or later I would finally find out that it is the intro to the award winning series called 'House'. Yeah....I feel kinda silly now knowing that. Since she DID link me to it while we were watching House....Hmmm. xD

Anyway, I put it up here for you guys to watch or listen to. I think its an awesome song.

Enjoy!

Ah yes. Krev requested that I put the José González version up here. This too is brilliant. Apparently Krev said she can play this on the Guitar.....She is still yet to send me a recording! Haha!

Here it is guys ;)

Updated: 09/30/09 11:07 AM 17 comments | Log in to comment! | Share this!

I never knew I could dread a day so much. Its not the fact that its probably going to be raining either, for Saturday of this week, (26th of September 2009) I will be scattering my fathers ashes.

For so long have I felt unworthy, down, depressed and felt like my life has been one of living in a bubble....A void, if you will. I don't remember before OR EVEN AFTER that day my father died. I remember the actual day like it was yesterday. The faint tint of blue on his skin, and yet 3 hours later, it was a bright pink colour, after they started his heart and put him on a ventilator.

For so long, after that day have I felt that I am not one with the world. I come to NG to relax, to escape from this so called reality in which is cruel. I feel now, that sometimes people are not wanted in this life. Unfortunately, someone wanted my father more than I did. I don't blame them....I sure find it okay, to kill a man just because he is needed elsewhere....To break someone's heart and put them under strain because they have loved someone and now they are gone.

Its awesome that the child of this man, now 3 years down the line, is feeling nothing about anything. Can not be bothered to do anything, and finds studying incredibly hard as the lack of motivation and the functionality to take in important information, decreases rapidly.

I really shouldn't be angry. However, I'm not angry at my father. He was a good man....He always did whats best for myself and my mother. He wants to be scattered at Lake Windermere so he can go fishing.

I personally have never known my father to be a fisher, nor have i ever been to this lake. However, he feels suffocated in this urn and if this is the only way to make him happy....Then I shall do it.

Its taken me a while to think about this. Myself being depressed for a while now, I have always thought that if I scatter the ashes, then maybe I will feel worse about myself, and maybe even do things in which I wouldn't even dream about doing.

Taking this all into account, I have thought about scattering the ashes.....I have realised that since my dogs ashes are with my fathers in the same urn (They are in separate bags....Don't be stupid) that i may as well scatter hers as well. She may as well be in peace with my father, since after all....She was his best friend and they loved each other more than i actually thought a man could love a dog.

I think she would make a nice fishing dog. A beautiful dog she was. Alsation cross Labrador. A cute thing, quite big though for a dog like herself. She was around 6ft when she stood on her back legs. I just want them both to be happy. To be one with each other again, and to be free.

Hopefully then....It will allow me to move on, and maybe get on with my life. Do my father proud, and make my dogs tail wag in happiness, and if I have to be hurt in the process....So be it!

I just want to be out of this void.....I want to feel happy again.

EDIT: Well....Its tomorrow. I can't say I'm looking forward to it....Yet i can't say I'm doing the right thing either. I would hope that after this is done, my life will stop being one big cluster fuck of nothingness and that I will actually feel normal once again.

What happens if I don't feel normal?....Nothing. I fail my GCSE's and have a shitty life. End of. I won't get the job I want, and I will lose close friends. I don't want to do that. I hope that tomorrow, once I let the lid off the urn.....Along with my fathers ashes being blown away and captured by the wind....So will my depression and sorrow.

I can only sit here and pray for that to happen.....But as I already know....Praying doesn't get you anywhere.

EDIT 2: Wow....That went well. The day was actually a very nice one. Just how my father would have wanted it. It was nice. The sun was out, the water wasn't too choppy and it seemed like the right time.

We hired a small boat, and I do mean small. It did the job. We found a nice spot next to an island in the middle of the lake and circled for a while. My auntie took over while me and my mother poured the contents of the urn into the water. It was strange....It was almost like gravel, it didn't seem like a body, but as the ashes slowly tipped into the water i then realised that this was the right thing to do.

Still circling for about 3 minutes, the ashes were gone. Both my father and my dog were now at peace with one another. Released into the water and released to be free. Now I feel that my father is happy. I hope that now....I will feel happy.

Then, because my father's favourite chocolate was Turkish delight, we pulled out a bar. Opened the wrapper and broke it into pieces. We then put it into the water. We probably shouldn't, but no-one was going to stop me from doing so.

I now hope that my father, my dog and my mother are now all at peace. Heh, my mum has been feeling like there has been a big weight on her shoulders because my father has been in the urn. Now he is free, I hope that she can sleep better.

I also hope that I can start to feel normal again. Like what I was before my father died. Even so....Now I know he is free and that he will be happy.

Rest in peace Dad.....Take care mate.

Updated: 09/26/09 6:30 PM 8 comments | Log in to comment! | Share this!

OK so here's the deal. You have been searching on Google at 3 in the morning for some good ol' hardcore porno, the thing is the site that you are browsing is full of Malware/Spyware/Trojans/Worms. Take your pick I suppose. Or have all of them!

Now your computer is fucked to high heaven and you make a thread in General asking for advice. Your problem is this place is full of pricks saying "Delete system32" "throw your computer our of the window" and all of that shite.

Hey I can't say anything I have been one of those pricks. So your comp is fucked and your pulling your hair out and your about to kick your computer. Never fear Lizzardis is here.

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First thing you need....Antivirus! These are the main programs you need to get rid of the viruses and some spyware. Now there is no point in actually BUYING the products as generally....The free ones do the best job!

Now, for this category I have a list of the best anti-viruses out there. I have tried and tested these anti-viruses with blatant viruses on my computer. They both got rid of them very quickly and effectively.

------Antiviruses------

WARNING: DO NOT INSTALL MORE THAN ONE ANTI-VIRUS ON ONE MACHINE. THEY DO NOT WORK TOGETHER EFFICIENTLY AND COULD PUT YOU AT RISK OF MORE VIRUSES. THESE ARE SOME OF THE BEST. YOU CAN PICK ANY AND THEY WILL DO THE JOB RIGHT, YOU DO NOT NEED ALL OF THE!

AVG Free Edition (828.82K)

Download AVG Free Edition
~ Install it.
~ Run the program (as administrator for vista users)
~ This program will launch on start up and a scan will launch every day at 12pm I think.
~ Run a scan
~ It will get rid of the viruses or if a warning comes up click "delete" or "remove"
DO NOT CLICK IGNORE!!!!!

Avast! Home Edition (300.94K)

Download Avast! Home Edition
Install it.
~ Run the program (as administrator for vista users)
~ You will get a warning or a prompt for you to put in your e-mail address. This is normal. Avast sends you a registration key in which you put into the program. No idea why they do it
~ After that Avast should be running
~ Right click the spinning A in the bottom right hand corner
~ Go to Start avast! Antivirus
~ Set what you would like the program to scan and how deep
~ It will get rid of the viruses or if a warning comes up click "delete", "remove" or "Virus Vault!" if delete or remove don't work.
DO NOT CLICK IGNORE!!!!!

Avira AntiVirus Personal (32.39MB) - Recommended by Invisable-Ranger

Download Avira AntiVirus Personal
~ Install it
~ During the installation a registration part will appear. You don't HAVE to register to use the program. Its just so they have you on their records.
~ Once installed you will get a configuration wizard, just go through it making sure everything is as you want it
~ Then there "should" be an updater. The program will update and carry on immediately. This should take around 5 minutes....
~ Once that has done, you are ready for a scan
~ Right click the red square in the taskbar at the bottom right. Has something which looks like a backwards umbrella in it
~ Go to Start Avira
~ Click "Local protection"
~ Then "Scanner"
~ Then look through the little icons there and click on the one you would like to scan....It will become highlighted. (I recommend you highlight "Complete system scan")
~ Then look above the icons and you will see 3 other icons. Two magnifying glasses, and a clipboard.
~ Since the majority of us are in Vista, click the 2nd magnifying glass with the shield in front
~ This will start the scan in admin mode!
~ Just wait for that to finish and you should be good to go!

Your computer is now virus free!

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The second thing you need in your fight against viruses and their rotten friends, are programs that search your computer thoroughly. Through where your computer stores its "Cookies", through its registry and various other places in which the Anti-virus doesn't reach.

Now these two programs I have been using side by side for years now. Ever since I can remember I have used these products, and they have served me well!

They both have saved my computer from various worms, viruses and even a few keyloggers! They also have unclogged various computer of mine by clearing the cache/Cookies....Seriously, you will be amazed at how much porno site take up on your computer!

------System cleaners------

Ccleaner: (3.14MB)

Download Ccleaner from the link that says Alternate download.
~ Install it
~ Run the program (as administrator for vista users)
~ Click Analyze
~ Once it's finished click Run Cleaner. We are not finished yet!
~ Click the Registry icon in the top left hand corner.
~ Click Scan for issues
~ Then click Fix selected issues...
~ I would click yes to create a registry back-up (but you don't have to do it again after this one now.)

Spybot Search & Destroy (15.65MB)

Download Spybot Search & Destroy
~ Install it.
~ Run the program (as administrator for vista users)
~ Click Check for problems
~ Leave it for a while, get a bite to eat.
~ When it's finished click Fix selected problems
~ Then once it's fixed click the Immunize on the left side.
~ Then your comp if Immunized against incoming attacks.

Malwarebytes Anti-Malware (3.86MB) - Recommended by KaizerWolf

Download Malwarebytes Anti-Malware
~ Install it
~ It will update automatically. Should only take a few seconds.
~ The program will pop-up after that and you will get two options: Either Perform a quick scan, or a fullscan.
~ I suggest going for the full scan so it will scan your hard drive thoroughly.
~ Then you have to check the HD's you want to scan and your done!
~ It will automatically scan your hard drive for any nastiest and once it is done, you will either have to click delete or it will get rid of them automatically!

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Now your computer is virus free and you will be able to look at more of your favourite porno with no hassle. However, sometimes....This just isn't enough. Sure your computer is protected to the teeth against incoming attacks....But what about inside?

Ever still felt your computer is STILL a bit....Sluggish? Well here is one of my favourite Defragmenters.

"But Lizz, whats a defragmenter?"

Well, a defragmenter is a program that is designed to increase access speed by rearranging files stored on a disk. That way your computer can find things easier and should load a hell of a lot faster, making your computer less sluggish!

------Defragmenters------

Defraggler (870.4K)

Download Defraggler from the link that says Alternative download.
~ Install it
~ Run the program (As administrator for vista users)
***WARNING*** If you have any external hard drives/MP3 players or anything USB unplug it now!
~ Click Analyze
~ Wait a bit...
~ Then click Defrag.

I suggest leaving your computer on overnight and NOT using it while the de fragmentation is operational because it will slow it down and you will not get the best out of the defrag.

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Well that concludes my guide on "The solution to 98% of common virus/computer problems!" i hope that it has taught you some things and I hope your computer is running to the best of its abilities now!

The only things I do ask is that you do not forget to do this every few weeks. This will keep your computer in tip-top shape!

If you have any comments, problems or would just like to ask a question, please feel free to do so. You can also recommend me some other programs which can help other users' computers and I will make a short guide for it.

Take Care,

Lizzardis

Updated: 09/18/09 8:12 AM 10 comments | Log in to comment! | Share this!

So, people go into the Wi/Ht? forum asking all the time for things in which, to regulars and users like myself, who are developing to become of of them......Sounds very stupid.

Now, it may SOUND stupid, but you guys forget that you once started out as a Level 1 (level 2 if you did the +5x2 EXP for the E-mails) user who didn't know his/her way around the site. Luckily for you.....You got to know your way around quite well. Now you know where everything is yadda yadda yadda.

HOWEVER! *Cue God like lights from the sky!* Some users don't find it that easy just to look around for a while. That's why I have made this news post in which it contains all the helpful little links in which you will need to get along in your NG life!

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To start....

THE MAIN LINKS!

The rules and FAQ - These are here for your sake...And ours! If you read through these, I can guarantee that you will have a full understanding of how the site works!
The Flash Portal! - Now this is where you get to vote on flashes, watch the flashes, submit your own flashes and much much more!
The Audio Portal! - This is where you submit your groovy music...Once you have made it that is. You can also vote and listen to Audio. Unfortunately though, voting on certain submissions in the Audio portal will NOT get you any B/P points :(
*NEW* The Art Portal! *NEW* - Oh my....This new addition to NG is where you can view other people's art and if you would like to submit your own Art you can do. However you must be scouted by another user for it to show up in the portal!
The Newgrounds BBS - This place (also known as a forum) is where users come together to chat about things. You can be helpful to other users, join a club or crew, just have a chat and a laugh and various other things.
Your account settings! - This is where you can edit anything from your BBS signature, to your profile all the way up towards sorting out your newsposts and your personal messages!

Now...They are just simple links which can be found up on the top of your screen there, just underneath the header on the NavBar.

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These guys however, are links to threads and userpages in which will help you understand more about how NG works, the forums as a whole and what to do and what NOT to do in various situations!

Helpful links

Newgrounds Flash tutorials page! - Ever felt the urge to learn flash? Well now you can!
NG BBS Houserules. - Here Rucklo explains the BBS Houserules!
Mal's gift to you: Review answers - Thanks to Malachy, users can now get answers to questions in which they needed to ask about reviews! (Now locked)
Review Answers 2.0 - The same as above!
Forum Rules, Clarified. - By numerous mods. Started by Evark however. Basically exactly what it says on the tin...The forums rules...Clarified.
Bannable posts & BBS Rules ala Zerok. - Zerok explains the bannable posts in detail and explains the rules!
A long message to you! - FBIPolux gives a message to the BBS users on Racism and Immaturity.
Improve your subject titles! - WadeFulp announces that you should improve your subject titles.
Newgrounds Shield. - The-Great-One and various other users put together a helpful thread that has all you need to start your Newgrounds adventure!
NGCC - H-K-S tries to fight spam!
Lizzardis' lesson on reviewing. - I give users a lesson on how to review properly!
Guide: What is and what isn't spam? - Zerok explains....What is and what isn't spam!
Guide to Bumping Topics. - Zerok makes his own guide to bumping topics!
Guide: Content - iCurries userpage guide to Newgrounds!

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Well that's all for now. Its a strange jumbled up pattern of threads and links, buts got some helpful stuff there.

If anyone else has a thread they would like to contribute and that they feel that other users will benefit from reading it, or something else that is very helpful...Please comment and I shall add it!

Take Care,

Lizzardis

Updated: 09/14/09 2:28 PM 1 comment | Log in to comment! | Share this!